Nerves

4th day at CMC (yesterday)

The topic of this post is stage fright.

I signed up for the solo recital because I’m a moron. I thought it would be helpful for me to perform the first couple pages of Bruch so I could practice playing it in front of people. I was all excited to show off, and then I got up there and I just fell apart. I shook like crazy and I couldn’t control my hands.

You might want to tell me that you shake, too, or that you understand perfectly. I’m sure you do shake a bit, and I’m definitely sure that you understand to an extent. Almost everyone has performance anxiety at one point in his or her life. But, chances are, you don’t freak out as much as I do. I am one of the biggest anxious wrecks you’ll ever meet. I could barely stand because my knees were spazzing out and I had to close my eyes because I felt like I would puke/faint if I didn’t. It seriously gets to the point where it’s physically painful to stand there and play.

Anyway, this has been going on for a while, so I wanted to perform so I could try to figure out how to master those nerves. I thought I was getting better! The last time I had an audition was for Western Regionals, and I successfully made it in and I didn’t shake that much at all. But this time I just messed it all up, and now I feel worse than ever. It’s terrible; I’m not even nervous about messing up! I’m nervous about getting nervous. How retarded is that?! I’m just afraid that I won’t be able to get it under control by the time college auditions come around. It’d be one thing not to get in because I don’t have the talent. It’d be another not to get in because I sound like CRAP because I can’t control my movements.

I’ve gotten tips and coping ideas from billions of people. My friend Gabrielle from orchestra told me at Regionals that she sits in lotus position and closes her eyes. I actually ended up trying that, and the audition went well. My teacher and Evan both told me to actually get angry. My teacher always tells me I need to stop being afraid and I have to be a fighter when it comes to things that I want. That’s difficult for me; I’ve never been one to “fight,” in any situation. The way Evan put it was that I shouldn’t see the stage fright as something that can take over me, and that I have to get mad at it and push it away.

I don’t know : / I will try the angry thing next time. I also have to sort out some other problems I have with self-consciousness and irrational fears.

I’d appreciate it if, whoever you are (friend, stranger, ANYONE), if you would leave some comments about suggestions on how to deal with said anxiety. Thanks